I am not afraid to sweat anymore. There was a time when I hated anything that ruined my makeup, my hair, the illusion I built of myself as put together. This is what kept me from working out for the longest time. But now I don’t mind it. I’m even starting not to mind outside.
Today I worked out with my resistance band. My arms are so tired. I realized the time alone working out by myself is so amazing. Its like this one time when I really get to see myself without the filter. While trying to do a workout video today I started talking back to the video, “Woo, Leslie, girl…. you trying to kill somebody and I did not plan to die today.”
I caught myself in laughing and being out of breath, but I still continued with my workout. I’m still trying not to temper my own accomplishments. I haven’t been active in years and after 6 days of working out I can do 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill without stopping. In all this I’m learning I expect so much from me. I expect perfection. And this perfection tusked with me in other parts of my life. It causes me to miss the amazing parts of me. It paralyzes me with fear and builds an impenetrable wall where only I can ever see the end goal. And though I’ve been successful in many aspects of my life, I’ve never been able to be a success at respecting my feelings and thoughts until recently.
Now instead of reacting to what I don’t want to happen. I feel I’m building the structure for what I don’t. Some days I feel like a milli and others I feel like the abandoned 4 yr old whose mom lied about her existence. It seems so weird to recognize they are both me.