Alright here we go, we’re going to lash out for a little bit. Let’s get angry with compassion for ourselves.
I fucked up. I did something I shouldn’t have out of desperation. It doesn’t matter what it was, because all that matters is that those are the facts. I wish I could take it back, and I wish I could take back the last 12 years of my life.
I wish I had gone away to art school, travelled the world and been single this entire time. But what am I saying here? I’m saying I want to nurture my natural talents, visit other places and I wish I’d done all these things in my youth.
So let’s talk about lessons I learned:
1. When you have to tell someone its either them or me, you’ve already lost and them has already won. No person wants to be forced out of a position. If they are able to come to the decision. When was the last time someone gave you an ultimatum and you actually followed through on whatever it was. Never!
2. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Thank you Maya Angelou. But you can also believe that when they made the promise they had every intention of carrying it out. So your choice is really to decide whether you forgive people for different variations of the same shit you do. Right now I’m leaning towards no because I need a friend better than me. Ha. Like a friend role model. I totally accept that’s hypocritical and unfair but “whateva son”. I’ll grow into not being that person one day and I’ll work to be that person but I’m not there right now.
3. People have a lot of steps to make on the road of and to recovery. It doesn’t matter what it is. When you’re trying to right yourself its hard to see where you are commiting the same mistake. I like to think of it as an etch-a-sketch, where you keep nudging, and you can sometimes anticipate how far and in what direction your nudge will take you, but sometimes you overshoot. In my weakest moments I think about shaking the etch-a-sketch on my life, move to another place, change my name and be a never married person, erase the mistakes I’ve made. Perfection. It’s an impossible mistake that makes me want to continually rewrite the sorrow I feel and make it better. The want for everything to be perfect has definitely fucked me lonely, sideways, and ratchet with what I’m willing to accept whatever to appear that way.
And a younger me may have done it, but this me is working on accepting my strengths and weaknesses.
I’m a good girl. I’m eating my veggies. I’m never telling all the things that have happened to me.
4. You can’t plug the empty holes in a person, but you can offer them support. Just don’t expect that people healing aren’t going to hurt you and you won’t hurt them. That’s part of the process. I remarked that I wish I met my partner after he recovered which was pretty big insult.
5. I am still in the process of letting go, but I think I’m 10 steps closer today. I almost feel severed. He told me that he is still chillaxin on the internet checkin for his lady friends. Yes he felt true sadness, just not remorse. Like when you’re very upset that you like a thing. I think cats display this personality really well. I’m like thanks brah I needed that. I was so thirsty, but the truth in it burned my throat a little bit. Oh yeah son, I teared up a little. I had almost forgotten the cool refreshing sting of the truth of our situation.
Current obsession: clowns. I’m going to hire one, chill with it, and write about it.