In the last week, I’ve joined a gym. Worked out everyday except today and really feel good about myself. Or so I thought. When I’m sweating I actually feel sexy and beautiful, but it doesn’t last very long. Lately I’ve actually been sleeping in my workout sweat. Partially it’s to keep my SO away from me and partly because it’s the last positive feeling I have before I go to sleep and I’m trying to prolong it. Yes, I’m so gross and smelly, but since I’m eating clean my sweat smells and tastes like nothing. It smells like water.

I’m convinced that humans continually reproduce patterns of pain and pleasure and that they spend so much of their time trying to recreate the first pleasure that the addiction that almost everyone has is not being in the present and not being able to recognize joy in the pleasant. When people have midlife crises it’s not about actually recapturing youth. It’s about how you felt when you did things even though you were afraid in youth. It’s about being exposed to new things and not being complacent and above all it’s an inability to articulate that.

Brain cells that wire together, fire together (we never understand these positive experiences as little bumps of dopamine, endorphins, a chemical rush). All that comes out of it in our stilted language is new spouse, new mate, new car, new something. And yet none of these new things make us as happy as we thought. It is only once we learn and can see the pattern that we manage it. Until then we keep shopping few piecemeal answers to a problem that requires a holistic approach.

The sex acts you love the most? Ones you’ve had he most positive experience with. The one that I still try to recapture as a 16 year old girl feeling cunnilingus for the first time. The one that my SO has is his first girlfriend riding him and that is the first time someone paid sexual attention to him and it was a positive experience. We just spend time over and over again trying to recreate that and new feelings in as many was as we can. Then we replay that in everything, or we see a new image from porn and we want to try that.

I’m examining my patterns and saying fuck it. I don’t want them anymore. I feel so weird to be in this state at only 32. Realizing that everything I thought I liked is the result of some really fucked up trauma and many of the things I’ve never desired are what it takes to be healthy.