I used to think that porn was empowering.

What brings me to this post? It’s not that everyone will be a porn addict, and the addiction isn’t really to porn. The addiction is to novelty. It’s through seeing new things, sometimes disgusting, other times sensual, and other times just plain unexplainable. Neuroscientists have a phrase, “Brain cells that fire together, wire together.”

It’s one of the reason why as we watch more and more porn, we begin to escalate, to seek new things. The old clips don’t get us off anymore. I know I’ve spent hours sometimes looking for the right clip, with the right thing to actually help me climax.

I don’t know why I ever thought it was fun. When my husband admitted to me he was running a porn blog, I was somewhat crushed. Especially for the bullshit reason he gave. But in the end, I was like whatever and I turned whatever I felt on myself. I started thinking this is what women in my generation do, we enjoy porn. I didn’t want to be the naggy wife, the wife who doesn’t support her guy and his kinky exploits. I was “sex positive” in the sense that I believed it was up to everyone to make their own choices.

Now, I think about the context around the choices. This was missing before, not that I didn’t think about it but simply I didn’t want to think about it.

I’m working with the brain of someone who understands the porn industry, understands all the bullshit about having to say you “like it” all the time. I’ve had friends who were sex workers on the streets, dabbled in it a little myself as a teenager. I wanted to be a madam. I didn’t want to be the one who had sex with the guys, just the one sleazy enough to exploit people I said I cared about.

I understand now that it’s not empowering to live inside a vacuum and to act as if the things you like are not up for critique and you just like them. To walk around with your head in the clouds, acting as if they developed from no where.

“I just want to be humiliated, it’s not because I’ve been humiliated. ”

“The girls really like being treated that way!”

“Guys know it’s only fantasy!”

I kept taking comfort in explanations about that were conventional wisdom, but science is discovering that our brains can be changed over time by excessive porn use. How long before we stop overriding logic and understanding that everything we do, literally has an effect on us.