Didn’t go to the gym today

Feeling kind of guilty about not going to the gym. I remember this one time I went on a spree and spent money on lingerie. They were these really nice underwear. I remember thinking, hoping, praying that he would be excited about them. In movies when a woman puts on lingerie, their partners notice it.

He didn’t. He wasn’t excited. Never has been with me and that type of thing. There’s only one thing he liked that I got and it was a ruffle black skirt years ago. Until recently, I rationalized that it was just that he didn’t like it. But he likes it when its on other people or in porn cause its part of the fantasy there.¬† I’ve never put much faith in the madonna/whore complex and am not sure that I do now. But what I know is that all the time we spend online looking for porn there’s a very lomely spouse out there driving themselves crazy trying to figure out what we like and why we don’t love them anymore.
Maybe it seems weak to admit just how I’ve mistreated and been mistreated, but I can’t hide behind fake strength anymore. I can’t keep things private anymore, because the silence is killing me.

I wad thinking about the last time I felt pretty. It had to be when I was a teen. I don’t think it has to do with being thinner. It has to do with being able to recognize when I still believed I was attractive, before I experienced things that contradicted with that experience. For so long we convince ourselves that bad things like infidelity don’t happen to pretty people.¬† And I was there too.

But today I got a glimpse of myself in the window at the grocery store. I looked so sad. Before I looked up I was thinking about the last time I felt and was treated beautifully. I was thinking about the last time I felt when someone said I was pretty and meant it. I was 20 and this guy I was hanging out with was gay. He told me I was beautiful and he said it in the way that people mean it. He said I had beautiful eyes. No one ever looked at my eyes before or said they were nice before. Most of the things I heard about being attractive were related to my body.

Lately all I do is look up wedding dresses, but to be honest I know I’ll probably never have a reason to buy one. I want to buy one that’s subtle and wear it as a cocktail dress. But I got no place to cocktail. So now I’m looking for community things I can get into so I can wear a cocktail dress.

I’m losing weight. I struggle not to have an eating disorder not to compulsively overeat and not to starve myself. I bought new clothes last week and I like them all. I’ll buy from the company again. So much american fashion sucks for plus size so I’m trying british companies now. I’ll probably order from karmacoma too.

I now like the way muscles look and hope to be very muscular myself one day. My goals are to climb a wall, to run a mile, to go up my gym’s 2 stairs without being winded. But I worry that Id rather look like Alhaji Jeng(insanely muscular) than Serena Williams(even though I think she has an amazing body). I think its partly that I don’t care about gender stereotypes anymore¬† or give a shit about retaining feminity and not bulking up.