Deciphering desire

I still can’t do it. I know what I want but am still too afraid to articulate. I have this Tim Gunn quote on my wall about how he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. Maybe it gets easier after the first year. I know it was when I was a teen, but then I was using porn whenever I felt anything remotely sexual.

Here’s what I’ve come away with:
1. How much you desire sex does not correlate to how desirable you are. It just so happens this is how it plays out in your mind. Especially when you only want to be with one person, but that person doesn’t want to be with you or can’t be with you.

2. Maybe all the romantic movies I’m watching are a new form of porn. I feel happier when I watch them. Sometimes I fantasize going to different remote islands and in my dreams my lover doesn’t have a face or a color, he’s just interested in me. He tells me I’m beautiful. He hugs me. He makes love like we’re best friends, not like we just met. He initiates it and he doesn’t get angry at me when I point out things I want.

3. I oscillate between being celibate forever and just wanting to be with him. But he is oblivioud to this. I can’t explain it in a clinical way that he doesnttake offense to so I’ve stopped explaining.

4. Now I’m going back to food again, but I’m fighting it. I plan to get into more activities. I’m going to hire a trainer. I want to up my gym time to 90 min every other day. It feels like by the 45 min point I’m just getting warmed up. The lack of sex in my life and my inability to say that I want to have it makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

5. I smoke a lot more weed now to handle my desire.

6. When you don’t find yourself sexy, you’ll constantly look for validation from the outside. You’ll never find it from the outside. There’s no person who can give it to you. There’s definitely a confidence problem that I’m struggling with.

I’ll be content with my imagination for now. Nothing really xrated happens in them its just a general feeling of being desired and having someone want you. I know this exists somewhere but Im chilling on it. I’m realizing that what I want isn’t what I need.