Whenever I get angry, I think about hurting myself. I tell myself okay why don’t you just hurt yourself. It’s a terrible cycle. It hurts when you realize that maybe you aren’t as smart as you thought you were. Knowing you’ve been manipulated and knowing that its by the person you trusted the most cripples you. Suddenly you’re checking everything you thought you believed and wondering just what else you’ve been fooled by. It feels like everything. It feels like I should stop trying. I’ll keep going, but everything I thought I knew about my relationship and love has been erased.
I only want to hear one song. Its dumb when you can remember the things your lover told you, but they can’t. Those words and promises meant something to you, but in reality they meant nothing to your lover. Rather they meant it when they said it, but its difficult to remebering saying it. Unfortunately, it’s out of sight and out of mind. They never mean to hurt you but they do. They will. One day you won’t care what they say or what they meant. And neither will they. Finally youll treat them with the same abandon they treat their promses. Today’s the day. This month is the month. This year is the year. The words don’t matter anymore.
I still can’t do it. I know what I want but am still too afraid to articulate. I have this Tim Gunn quote on my wall about how he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. Maybe it gets easier after the first year. I know it was when I was a teen, but then I was using porn whenever I felt anything remotely sexual.
Here’s what I’ve come away with:
1. How much you desire sex does not correlate to how desirable you are. It just so happens this is how it plays out in your mind. Especially when you only want to be with one person, but that person doesn’t want to be with you or can’t be with you.
2. Maybe all the romantic movies I’m watching are a new form of porn. I feel happier when I watch them. Sometimes I fantasize going to different remote islands and in my dreams my lover doesn’t have a face or a color, he’s just interested in me. He tells me I’m beautiful. He hugs me. He makes love like we’re best friends, not like we just met. He initiates it and he doesn’t get angry at me when I point out things I want.
3. I oscillate between being celibate forever and just wanting to be with him. But he is oblivioud to this. I can’t explain it in a clinical way that he doesnttake offense to so I’ve stopped explaining.
4. Now I’m going back to food again, but I’m fighting it. I plan to get into more activities. I’m going to hire a trainer. I want to up my gym time to 90 min every other day. It feels like by the 45 min point I’m just getting warmed up. The lack of sex in my life and my inability to say that I want to have it makes me feel like I’m going crazy.
5. I smoke a lot more weed now to handle my desire.
6. When you don’t find yourself sexy, you’ll constantly look for validation from the outside. You’ll never find it from the outside. There’s no person who can give it to you. There’s definitely a confidence problem that I’m struggling with.
I’ll be content with my imagination for now. Nothing really xrated happens in them its just a general feeling of being desired and having someone want you. I know this exists somewhere but Im chilling on it. I’m realizing that what I want isn’t what I need.