Monthly Archives: August 2013

Killing me softly/black like me

Many survivors of sexual abuse often work to become very fat or very thin in an attempt to render themselves unattractive. In this way, they try to de-sexualize themselves. Other survivors obsessively diet, starve, or purge to make their bodies ‘perfect.’ A perfect body is their attempt to feel more powerful, invulnerable, and in control, so as not to re-experience the powerlessness they felt as children. Indeed, some large men and women, who are survivors of sexual abuse, are afraid to lose weight because it will render them feeling smaller and childlike. This, in turn, may bring back painful memories that are difficult to cope with.

A patient described how she gained 30 pounds at the age of 8. Her mother accused her of eating too many raviolis at the school cafeteria. She was scared to tell her mother that her uncle was sexually molesting her. Another patient had been abused by her alcoholic father starting at age 7. As a teenager, she binged and made herself throw up before going out with her boyfriend because she felt dirty, anxious, and guilty about her sexual feelings.

- wearing your weight as armor

Yeah, all that. I said that being felt helped because it made me invisible. Little did I know or understand that I was blaming myself for the sexual assault that happened to me. I was looking for a  to not feel or be sexualized. As a fat woman, that still happens. You can still be sexualized. Weight comes with its own problems, mainly that people feel they can openly disrespect you.

I’ve binged. I’ve starved. I’ve purged. I watched my mom purge. My entire life weight has been linked to sexuality. Skinny girls are wanted. When I was sexually a child and as a teen, I was thin. When I turned 16, I decided the best thing to do was gain weight so no one would bother me anymore. So I wouldn’t have to hear men call at me, talk about parts of my body, call me names if I didn’t respond.

Slowly I’ve been killing myself softly with this guilt, with this story, with this song…..

Pretty emotional day to day

And I can tell that it was because of how o feel silenced and controlled. When someone tells you how to talk. When after you talk they analyze and recontextualize what you say and tell you how you could or should have said it. When they tell you that one of your strongest skills with everyone else is the weakest when you’re talking to them. When they throw things. When they can’t control themselves. When they don’t act that way with any one else. When their apology is bent on you not voicing your opinion about it.

I know I’m messed up because I really want to eat a whole cake, a whole quart of ice cream. Anything with lots of sugar that will help me feel better temporarily. I have to stop myself from spending to make myself feel better. My vices are here and I have to keep telling them no.

Didn’t go to the gym today

Feeling kind of guilty about not going to the gym. I remember this one time I went on a spree and spent money on lingerie. They were these really nice underwear. I remember thinking, hoping, praying that he would be excited about them. In movies when a woman puts on lingerie, their partners notice it.

He didn’t. He wasn’t excited. Never has been with me and that type of thing. There’s only one thing he liked that I got and it was a ruffle black skirt years ago. Until recently, I rationalized that it was just that he didn’t like it. But he likes it when its on other people or in porn cause its part of the fantasy there.  I’ve never put much faith in the madonna/whore complex and am not sure that I do now. But what I know is that all the time we spend online looking for porn there’s a very lomely spouse out there driving themselves crazy trying to figure out what we like and why we don’t love them anymore.
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